what is rational

I ache with desire

She is always in my thoughts - vignettes of a life together that could never be. What am supposed to do. Be fearless. Create mayhem in my life.

Hell, I don't mind the mayhem in my life, I detest the accusations. Not loving, not committing, not being what my wife wants me to be. A good, solid stable man. good sense of humour - sense of the absurd, but bound together in a battle to wrest a bourgeois existance from society.

GOD, HOW DID I FUCKING DO THIS TO MYSELF

I say, trust yourself - that voice that says "I want this life". for some I know its marriage and kids, but for me its a meloncholy dissolut existance. But how do I inject discipline into that. I wanna be Bukowski, but wry, not angry.

sigh.

The Saskatchewan river in March is beautiful. the occaisional floe of ice. The blue sky. The burn of clove as the Djarum hits my lungs.