It's also difficult for me to keep my mood in control. I know that r____ says I should just feel it, but it's difficult to feel something and not express it - especially when that would be self destructive in many ways.
And later, I'm just tired.
Oh well, perhaps it will all cycle around so I'm feeling more in control. If/when I get on top of things. I will have to watch and see what I do when I get that break, to see if I use that time well. That's the real challenge I guess, using the free time to get ahead rather than fuck the dog.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
work, engagement, life
So I guess the challenge of fully immersed in your life is to still maintain some sort of perspective when everyone/thing is pulling you to focus on individual details at all times. Which you need to do, but it's hard to keep sight of the forest for all the damn trees.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Ache
That seems to be what I'm feeling today. Not really a pain, but just that ache of longing. Non specific, and completely untreatable in my present state. Long term solutions do exist, of course, but not today.
Part of it is withdrawal, we've seen each other so recently, with one really, really good scene and two days of chatting (and fucking). But now, nothing. Mostly at my request. R____ is still sending me stuff, just to stay in touch, and feel a sense of communication, but I can't respond without getting drawn into conversation, so I'm avoiding responses (except this one).
Still, it's my own damn fault, listening to the CD she sent me (one of the earlier ones).
And life feels a bit intense right now. B___ is struggling with her own motivation for her hobbies, and with life in general. I think that she's got breathing room right now and she's a bit at a loss for how to deal with it.
Me, I'm heading (somewhat) in the opposite direction. Trying to fully engage in all aspects. To successfully juggle my life. Deciding where I let some things go to focus on others. All in all though, it's a bit intense. I'm not used to this and my usual vices kind of suck. So now I'm back to a really old one, video games. I have a new gaming system, so I'm escaping there for hours at a time. But at least it doesn't take money, and allows me to chip away at some of the other things I should be doing in my study.
Part of it is withdrawal, we've seen each other so recently, with one really, really good scene and two days of chatting (and fucking). But now, nothing. Mostly at my request. R____ is still sending me stuff, just to stay in touch, and feel a sense of communication, but I can't respond without getting drawn into conversation, so I'm avoiding responses (except this one).
Still, it's my own damn fault, listening to the CD she sent me (one of the earlier ones).
And life feels a bit intense right now. B___ is struggling with her own motivation for her hobbies, and with life in general. I think that she's got breathing room right now and she's a bit at a loss for how to deal with it.
Me, I'm heading (somewhat) in the opposite direction. Trying to fully engage in all aspects. To successfully juggle my life. Deciding where I let some things go to focus on others. All in all though, it's a bit intense. I'm not used to this and my usual vices kind of suck. So now I'm back to a really old one, video games. I have a new gaming system, so I'm escaping there for hours at a time. But at least it doesn't take money, and allows me to chip away at some of the other things I should be doing in my study.
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