succumb

So while it was necessary to succumb to various temptations (strippers, prostitutes), once I had an affair (of the heart I must add) it became impossible to scratch that itch with the older vices. I tried again today, and even had a really good dancer but I'm in the same boat, just a good deal poorer.

I need contact, real contact, heart mind body. But how do build that back into my life when I have realized that like any monster I've managed to destroy all constructs of that nature in my life. How do you build when your inherent mode of expression is insult, sarcasm or a flaying sort of analytical view.

"r" has given me some tools, but they feel clumsy in my hands and truly, neither I nor my partner really trust them. And how much damage will I cause as I learn to use a tool I don't really understand?

 

pining

So I've been pining for her the last few days. I'm not sure if that desire is the cause of or consequence of my general sense of ennui. In any case, it seems to have passed and I may (fingers crossed) be experiencing some degree of rehabilitated ambition for the rest of my life.

Still, I've been listening to the CDs she made me and been filled with the desire to just talk to her. Of course it isn't like that, if I spoke to her today, I'd not be able to say "well, I'll chat with you in a couple of months". It's like any drug, once you have a little that's good, you want more. But with relationships it's worse sometimes, cause even if it's bad you want more because you're convinced it can be better, better than it ever was when it was good. And the damn thing is, is that that's true. But I think it's as much the work you do as the digging deeper. Are the two things any different.

I miss you baby, not that that sentiment helps either of us. 

catharsis

I'm feeling the need for some. Though I don't know how to get it. All of my old vices have lost their lustre - assuming that they've ever helped me recharge. I don't think that they did in any positive way, but the guilt and frustration at my lack of self control  was a source of energy to drive me to do the day-to-day necessary things.

Now though, I only have the satisfaction of staying on top of my chores at home and work and a thin gruel it is. Oh to be sure the lack of stress  of seeing the line of credit total rise as steadily as a boat in the tide is a bonus, but it all feels so damn abstract.  I want something that I can feel.

But my only options are drink (which both concerns and bores me), masturbation (since my wife hasn't seen fit to forgive or forget), and masturbation is damn unsatisfying though it does keep me from going crazy and cigarettes, which also alarm me.

Keeping on top of things at work means more work (and theoretically more money) but I just don't care....

I try to care but it really doesn't work. I care about the writing, but it's hard to write at home, what with all the reminders of things I should be doing both at home and at work. Exercise is, well exercise. Good for my back and a drain on my will.

What do I do for real sensation?