couple of years later

and here the blog still is - some thoughts from my blasted past. it haunts me still and not always in a bad way.

I'm still on the same path, though walking it differently. Still leading in the same direction.

Waking up in the middle of the night, terrors of bourgeois boredom.

What do you do when your vanilla wife is someone you really like but isn't too damn strong?

twitchy

I'm all twitchy, not so much pedestrian (though I probably am). Very focussed on what I'm doing, trying not to think about why, or any of that shit until some stuff is done. Just trying to finish what I've started to see what comes.

Maybe nothing, but at least it'll be done.

If we all yearn for freedom, perhaps life is setting (choosing) limits and then breaking through.

pedestrian

I'm feeling exceptionally pedestrian today. As though all of my words are crude blocks of wood, my ideas noting but obvious rehashings of everyone else's.

Even this post borest the crap out of me, but I feel compelled to post it. I'm turning into the guy at the party that tells the most mundane stories, and everyone wishes he'd just shut the hell up so they can listen to the music.

words

Some days it seems like every other word is an affront to meaning and flow. Every noun, verb, adjective, conjunctive seems trite and heavy handed, like they obstruct rather than facilitate vision.

And then part of me thinks that I'll never get it right and the other part of me thinks, maybe you're just beginning to understand what writing is.

I'm tired

and I'm having to write stuff that I'm not sure works. Deadlines are a bitch, I feel like a sub.

afraid

So, what am I afraid of, not knowing the answers to the question, the complications that always arise from a simple question, or the displeasure of the people who don't like the details of my solution, or worse, if I fuck up the solution.

Probably the last.

Jesus.

doing it

R____ sent me a comment on my last post (not that anyone else is reading this, but I like to use third person for appearances sake and for my own sanity) suggesting I read a certain book to help me let/get the beast to do what it wants/what I want.

Probably a good idea, but her point got me thinking, about what it wants to do.

But then I realized, that's all the beast wants to do, is do. It just wants to get the fucking job done. Doesn't care what it is, how sensible, how gratuitious, how silly, how spiritual or how dirty, just get the fuck out of its way and let it get it done.

I remember when I was a scout, and I built a raft that was a bad design, and I pushed the damn thing forward chest deep in freezing water 'cause finishing the race was what we were supposed to do. Didn't care why, was told to do it so I did. Until the leader pointed out that this wasn't the point.

I was pissed, I didn't care about the point of it all, I was doing the thing I was supposed to do. Fuck context.

Which is interesting, I'm so used to thinking about it in terms of work, that I didn't really understand other places I was using it (and where I wasn't) including running, working out (lately) and again, work. It's just that work is so BIG compared to everything else in my life. the single biggest block of my time and effort and it supports everything else, so no surprise.

So, I guess the question is how to get the beast to switch off (so I can sleep better) or switch gears (so I can play better.)

I remember

This mind frame. I'd forgotten how hard it was, crystalline in some ways. No tolerence for myself or others.

It's a hard thing to encompass. A____ and I were driving the other day, and chatting. He was wondering why I was so, grumpy? flat? And it's this mind frame. Bitter and brittle. It was always why it cracked and I ended up indulging in pleasures that took me away from this, even when those were transient and ultimately frustrating and misleading.

so, how to be human and beast at the same time. Or at least I need to bring the beast's drives closer in line to mine. But then, they already are, it's just that it has tunnel vision. predator.

time

constantly feeling the press of time. trying to maintain focus on the task at hand while keeping all the other balls in the air.

I'm exerting myself, more than I have in a few years. Trying to stay ahead of the swell of the wave, keeping on top of all the shit that goes on in life. And I'm feeling the strain. I'm remembering now why I ended up drinking, smoking, going to the strip joints, in the first place. A desire to escape the constant sense of urgency that seems to wrap around me.

A desire for the reward that doing a good job never really brings. or perhaps I feel that there should be a sense of completion with any job done, but no job is ever really done.

But perhaps that's the problem with my perspective, I should give jobs an ending, in my mind. This is done, time for the next job, even if it builds on the last one.

Still, now that I'm finding that the old vices have little or no appeal, it's a bit easier to keep on the tasks that matter. Work, writing, health, even my marriage to some extent. Though the last one obviously requires some degree of collaboration. There are signs (as from the last post) that things may move forward, but I'm in a holding pattern on that for a while. A couple more weeks for a response I figure, then I have to push again.

I'm also somewhat frustrated, by the blog. I had a number of topics, flashes of ideas really, that I wanted to post. But no joy.

Oh, one other thing. Went out drinking on Friday, and ended up chatting with a couple of chicks at the bar (a new one, the old one's too crowded on the big nights) and didn't even really flirt. Guess I'm learning. Know when the game is worth playing, and when it's not. Some of the time anyway.

But really, wtf, girls talking to guys at bars? Their supposed to travel in groups and avoid guys drinking alone. It's odd to see the rules change like this.

two days two surprises

And here I thought I knew my wife's reactions down cold. When I brought up the fact that I was still looking at finding a counsellor, and wanted her to look at who I thought might be good her response was "Are you still planning on leaving me?" I may have the actual words a little off, it could have been less definite than that, but geez, I didn't know that I'd been that negative in tone when we spoke about this last.

I guess she knows the extent of my feeling on this, though it doesn't seem affect our relationship in any overt way. I don't really get it. In any case it should make it interesting in seeing where she goes when counselling starts. It's been a while since my wife's surprised me like that.

The second thing was her comment today about something trivial - we were bickering (not arguing, just joking around) about where we keep some stuff in the kitchen, and she asked me if it was something that the counsellor would help us with.

A joke. About counselling.

Does this mean that she's accepted it? Is trying to come to terms with it? or was it just a joke?

my mind is whirling with over analysis