two days two surprises

And here I thought I knew my wife's reactions down cold. When I brought up the fact that I was still looking at finding a counsellor, and wanted her to look at who I thought might be good her response was "Are you still planning on leaving me?" I may have the actual words a little off, it could have been less definite than that, but geez, I didn't know that I'd been that negative in tone when we spoke about this last.

I guess she knows the extent of my feeling on this, though it doesn't seem affect our relationship in any overt way. I don't really get it. In any case it should make it interesting in seeing where she goes when counselling starts. It's been a while since my wife's surprised me like that.

The second thing was her comment today about something trivial - we were bickering (not arguing, just joking around) about where we keep some stuff in the kitchen, and she asked me if it was something that the counsellor would help us with.

A joke. About counselling.

Does this mean that she's accepted it? Is trying to come to terms with it? or was it just a joke?

my mind is whirling with over analysis

procrastination

I'm trying to figure this out. I've been pretty focussed the last couple of weeks, keeping my nose to the grindstone and all that. But still, I'm struggling to keep up. And I'm not really succeeding. Not to the extent I'd like anyway.

But I guess I'm still dealing with a back log of issues, including the personal ones. I haven't pushed forward on the counselling yet, though I have compiled some options. Now I just have to share these with my wife and see what she thinks.

what fun.

advantages

One of the advantages, is that it means I have no excuse not to hammer out two thousand words in an afternoon.

That's somewhat gratifying, but now I have to make it fit in seamlessly.

sigh

stalking

So I really want to talk to r______ but it all seems rather pointless. I yearn to hear her voice , whisper obscenities into her ear while causing her pain and pleasure.

but there's no point. I can't/won't be there and so she's moving on like any sane individual. Fleeing a dysfunctional relationshipe regardless of how it had functioned in the past. So I'm reduced to stalking her profile on her social networking site, looking at the profiles of all of her new friends, dreaming up scenarios of their conversations, e-mails and, god forbid, physical interactions.

But what else can I do, until I act in my own life, then all else is naught.

Of course I know that in all likelihood that she'll eventually read this post, and I could have been more civilized and simply sent an e-mail, but that's too much like real communication. And thus inherently frustrating.

Now I return to my regularly scheduled life, the 4,532nd edit of my short story while i sit in my local.